What Happens When You Stop Covering the Past?

You Let Go & See the Light Ahead

You should write a book!

People always say that to my husband once they hear some of his background stories, like the one linked here: 🔗 A REAL DAD

I probably didn’t hear that as much over the years, but then again, I was wearing quite a decorated mask.

I became good at keeping secrets.

In fact, I remember a particular discussion when I was just starting out with a young family of my own.

A few friends & I were discussing our past and how much we were willing to share, especially with our kids as they got older and began asking questions.

I came up with a drastic plan to not talk about my past at all to avoid answering the specific questions I wanted to keep hidden.

I made up a mantra. Something like,

“My past doesn’t matter. I won’t answer this question so that more don’t crop up. Let’s just stay in the present, or even the future.”

I just added layer after layer over the hidden junk.

As my girls became women, they might ask something on purpose, knowing that I wouldn’t answer. Something like, “Did you try smoking as a teenager?”

While that’s not a huge deal to admit or discuss, I stubbornly stayed with my mantra so it wouldn’t lead to deeper issues. My girls would tease:

“Oh yeah, Mom doesn’t talk about her past!” (Eye rolls & sarcastic laughs).

They surely didn’t realize just how much I was hiding.

Neither did my friends & colleagues.

An old diary entry of mine shows me saying how much I wanted to escape my past and create a different future for myself.

I had it down to details on what kinds of Christmases I wanted to have. What the environment in my house would be like. What kind of family dinners. What kind of relationships. What career & education. What pastimes, like reading, exposure to art & culture. Music. Travel. Friendships. Values. Beliefs. Church. . .

And I seemed to have curated all of that, fulfilling my dreams.

💡What I didn’t realize was that this covering up of the past was a tiresome job.

The past never stays covered.

My daughters, especially one of them, felt cheated (and maybe offended) that I wouldn’t share anything. It’s strange that even today, my daughters don’t know a whole lot about my life growing up.

And then I went ahead a wrote a book after all.

I wrote a story that laid bare a major revelation—one that was difficult to let go.

You can find it here:🔗 My Father’s Daughter

When one daughter read it, she was surprised about what she called, “all the trauma” spilling out onto the page.

It might have been helpful for her to have a heads-up, for it made her sad as she is herself a mother now and didn’t particularly relish experiencing the environment in which I lived.

I thought I was protecting myself from heartache or embarrassment by keeping so much behind a mask, so unraveling a story such as mine in My Father’s Daughter took a lot of strength I didn’t know I had.

But be assured—it is a story of restoration, and once you delve in, you find strength to find the light out of darkness.

Recent events—like telling my sister the truth, or talking through some issues with my family have relieved some of the burden of covering in ways I could not imagine.

I really didn’t know it would feel so good to live without that mask.

But now that I do, I can encourage you.

If you are working hard to cover your past, try facing it head-on. You will be surprised how capable you are at defeating what you imagine as monsters. They’re really not that scary once you see them for who they are: weak little demons who cower to the truth.

And I bet your story isn’t over yet. I know mine’s not.

If you only look backward, you might miss the redemption ahead.

What are our experiences good for if not to gain wisdom & share that with others?

[ ❤️ Liking & Sharing these stories can help others gain encouragement. Contributing to a writer’s work is also a nice way to support the arts. The 🔗 Buymeacoffee website linked here makes it easy to donate when you feel moved to 😉☕ .]